Toxic means poisonous. Poisons can have a wide range of impacts, everything from causing mild, transient discomfort to killing us. The same can almost be said of toxic relationships, except that the discomfort caused by toxic relationship dynamics doesn't stay mild and, over time, becomes consistent. In engaging with a client’s decision-making process around whether to stay in or leave a relationship that is causing them distress, it is common to hear them center the other person’s behavior. They want me to validate their sense of the behaviors as toxic. They want to know if it’s possible that the other person may change if they just say or do the right thing. And, most commonly, they want to understand the motivations for the toxic behaviors. While understanding the underlying reasons for a partner’s behavior may generally be considered a good thing, as a therapist, I draw the line at exploring partner’s underlying motivations when I discern that the relationship dynamic has gone beyond causing a mild level of discomfort and into abusive dynamics. The reasons for drawing this line are twofold. One, for the client’s part, they often unconsciously use this understanding or empathy to create the illusion of control or influence over the abusive partner’s behavior. That’s not an illusion in which I am willing to participate. Furthermore, I have seen, and personally experienced, how abusive partners exploit understanding and empathy. I am not going to help my client become more exploitable by an abusive partner.
So, if it’s not healthy to focus on the toxic behavior, where do you put your focus if you think you’re in a toxic or abusive dynamic? On yourself, of course. Below are suggestions for questions to ponder as you move through your decision-making process.
How has being in this relationship changed my beliefs about myself, other people and the world?
How am I being physically impacted by this relationship.
How is being in this relationship changing my relationships with other important people in my life?
How is being in this relationship impacting my professional, financial, educational or personal growth goals?
If I imagine myself still in this relationship 5 years from now, do I imagine feeling proud of myself for sticking it out or disappointed in myself for not leaving?
I offer these questions not as a way for you to come to a solid decision about your next steps, though it may move you there. I offer these questions as a way for you to start the process of centering your own wisdom and experience in your decision-making. When you feel tempted to center an abusive partner’s motivations over your own experience, please remember what my time as a forensic psychotherapist taught me...even the most heinous abuse that one person can inflict on another has valid emotional underpinnings. Behaviors that you would never excuse or ignore all come from a place of emotional wounding. Reasons are not excuses. Do not use them as such.